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Real Men Test

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are
the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they
present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable
of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clearblue sky,
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear
the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says
she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe
that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment,
and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the
world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so
large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has
to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this
would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they
finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 10th, 2003 08:30 am (UTC)
And a big Thank You to Dave Barry. His "guy stuff" is generally pretty amusing. This version leaves out the original questions 4 (What about hugging another male?) and 5 (Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to), and curiously substitutes Broncos for Jets as the team calling a draw play on third and seventeen. See "dave barry's complete guide to guys" for the answers to the questions above.
Nov. 11th, 2003 06:22 am (UTC)
I didn't know I was ripping off Dave Barry, just sent something from email to LJ (via the magical new email interface - I'm now extra dangerous).

It's still funny. :-)
Nov. 11th, 2003 07:00 am (UTC)
Yes it is, which is why I own the book, and recognized the material.
Mis-attribution, whether missing or incorrect, is one of the unintended consequences of the Internet. Dennis Miller gets credit/blame for something Larry Miller wrote, and Dave Barry often gets things he wrote sent back to him by fans who don't recognize it as his work, and think he hasn't seen it before.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )